Posts in category: Thoughts

I was recently introduced to the term “Indigo” by a good friend… here’s a term that I can probably identify with… this is why:

The Indigo and Crystal Adults are composed of two groups:

> Firstly, there are Indigos who are now making the transition to Crystal. This means they undergo a spiritual and physical transformation that awakens their “Christ” or “Crystal” consciousness and links them with the Crystal children as part of the evolutionary wave of change.

> The second group is those who were born without these qualities, but have acquired or are in the process of acquiring them through their own hard work and the diligent following of a spiritual path. Sometimes referred to as “Human Angels”.

The Crystal Adult is among the most connected, communicative, caring and cuddly of any generation. They are also quite philosophical and spiritually gifted, and display an unprecedented level of kindness and sensitivity to this world. Their main purpose is to take us to the next level in our evolution, and reveal to us our inner power and divinity. They function as a group consciousness rather than as individuals. They are a powerful force for love and peace on the planet.

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Questions on identifying Indigo and Crystal Adults: (and how I answer these questions…)

1. Do you feel out of place in this world?
Yes, I sometimes do. And at a very young age, I have always felt that I was different than the rest.
2. Do you have a feeling of deserving to be here?
I have never doubted that there was a purpose in my life. There is a reason I am here and I was meant to make a difference with my life. And in many ways, I believe that I have.
3. Do you perceive the world very differently from most of the people you know?
Yes, very much so since I was child. I see life from both sides now.
4. Do you have an obvious sense of self?
It took me many years to realize “who” I was. I was always on a quest to find peace in my soul and to discover my place in this world. I am who I am, and I continue on my journey, but now with the truth to my existence.
5. Do you possess a deep desire to help the world by contributing or being of service in some way?
My mission in life is to make a difference and to live productively, so yes I do and I have in many ways.
6. Do you feel frustration at the thought of leading an average life?
I was frustrated at one point, but I have found clarity through the years. Besides, what is average anyway… I’d rather be happy.
7. Do you have difficulty conforming to the ways and norms of society?
So what is normal? People often ask that… but normal evolves over time. Normal today may not have been normal yesterday but could be, or not be, normal tomorrow. Society is constantly changing, and hopefully for a better future.
8. Do you need to understand the reason behind the things you are asked to do?
I do not like to act blindly on what I am told.
9. Are you prone to insomnia, restless sleep, nightmares or difficulties falling asleep?
When left alone with my thoughts at night my thoughts race… I explore the facets of my mind and wander into morning. I need to dissociate with my thoughts to get any sleep. The TV works.
10. Are you frustrated by ritual-oriented systems that require little creativity?
I am an artist, and mundane solutions are just plain boring.
11. Do you opt for leadership positions or working on your own rather than taking a team position?
I have often taken position of leadership. I am usually that person who commands attention when entering the room… I believe intuitively people look to me for conversation or direction.
12. Can you easily see through people’s hidden agendas and facades?
I have a sense about people, sometimes I ignore this feeling… but usually I have always been a good judge of character.
13. Do you have you have an intense desire for truth and honesty?

I believe that honesty is utterly important. I have always been open about my life and the world around me and the truth that it brings.
14. Are you very creative in the areas of art, music, science and/or technology?
Absolutely…. I have always been very artistic… in words… In music… and in thought… And yeah, I’m a closet geek (LOL).
15. Do you have several on-going projects at any given time and often multi-task?
Who can just do one thing? I can drive to my destination, talk on the phone, make my occasional stop, eat my lunch and change the radio station all at the same time. But actually, yes, I have been known to multi-task.
16. Do you have a strong intuition or knowledge of things that are unexplainable or do you often have a feeling that something is about to happen?
As a teenager I was involved in a situation that allowed me the incredible ability to predict the near future. I had a sense of what was to happen, and sometimes it scared me.
17. Do you feel enormous empathy for others?
I can often feel what others feel… the pain… the sorrow… the joy… and I read into their emotion… I can relate to others in any situation.
18. As a child, did you develop abstract thinking very early?
Yes, I did. I was extremely creative and very resourceful.
19. Are you very intelligent?
I am an analytical and artistic thinker. I have often been told I am very smart… maybe smarter for my own good when I was kid.
20. Are you very talented (maybe identified as gifted at some point in your life)?
I was asked to participate in a gifted program in Junior High. And I suppose a talented song writer and lyrists. I enjoy philosophy, psychology and history… a very “renaissance” individual.
21. Are you a daydreamer?
Yes… (as my mind wanders…)
22. Have people often noticed you have very old, deep, wise looking eyes?
All the time… and I have been told I am an old soul.
23. Do you feel that you possess any spiritual intelligence?
I have always thoughts so. Ask me sometime.

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Purported characteristics of the Indigo include:
.. They are highly sensitive, both emotionally and physically, and most suffer from a low self-esteem.
.. Many have nervous system problems such as excessive anxiety, which is claimed to be linked to their higher vibrational frequency, and are also prone to depression.
.. They often suffer from sleeping problems, such as insomnia, frequent nightmares, night terrors and sleep paralysis.
.. They are very empathic, and can easily detect or are in tune with the thoughts of others.
.. They have great intuitive power.
.. They often have an insatiable curiosity, and love to ask questions as well as questioning everything around them.
.. They are naturally drawn to matters concerning mysteries, spirituality, and the paranormal.
.. They oppose unquestioned authority and have a proclivity for generating their own solutions to problems and holding to explanations which are usually contradictory to convention.
.. They become anti-social when not around other “Indigo Children”.
.. They act and feel as with a strong sense of entitlement.
.. They have a clear sense of self-definition and in knowing who they are.
.. Most of them feel the need to make a significant difference in the world, and they believe or are fully aware of having a special or high purpose in life.

There’s a part of me that keeps pushing ahead… that is inspired to run marathons… to find the highest mountain and climb… to feel alive… to breathe……

Every day presents a new challenge… new obstacles. And though I have had many hardships, although I have had life shattering heartbreaks… I hold onto the faith that I keep inside that tomorrow presents a new world for me to discover, and that yesterday was a stepping stone to the future that waits ahead of me. For all that I have learned in this journey, prepares me for what lay ahead in my quest for a happy and fulfilled tomorrow.

We should not live with any regret, and I have had many… but who I am today is from the experiences and journey that I have made through my lifetime… every relationship… every hurt… every happiness… every sorrow… every challenge… every mistake… every accomplishment… has brought me to today… and to a promise of hope for a better tomorrow… that, that which does not kill me… makes me stronger and offers me another opportunity to make a difference in my life.

I guess I had to write this… because I am on a path of enlightenment and ready to move on with the destiny that awaits my path… and for the people that it will bring. I will take joy in my sorrow… and rejoice in my grief… for it is in the cocoon of my experience that lay the understanding of self and the knowledge to create a better world… starting with me.

Refusing now to live a life of loss… I discover that all that is gained from emotions and experiences is perseverance. As I have often said, “sometimes you just gotta be happy”… So I will try to live a productive life… and a life of distinction, as I continue as a passenger on this earth.

I am strong… I am living… and I am experiencing life as it happens.

Even as a fleeting memory, the love I have lost was as it would be… but I will treasure it… and be thankful that even in the smallest dosages, as I have felt it in my life… fills me for a lifetime… I learn to live with that love and loss, store it on a shelf in my heart and then leave it behind me as I continue looking forward… I am ready for the future… and moving on from this place. And perhaps that “perfection” in that moment of being in love… will grace me with another memory one day… and perhaps be rewarded with the gift of that feeling for a lifetime as I am joined with a partner…

So I am hopeful and I am good right now… and moving into the next phase of my life. It’s gonna be okay… I’ll be okay… and I will hold onto the faith that love will open it’s arms to me again.
“Things don’t go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen, to break you down and rebuild you up, so you can be all that you were intended to be”…

A “Rite of passage”: as sentient beings we all, at some point, have a significant event that marks a change in our lives. When we live through our childhood into adulthood… those teenage years when decisions are made that affect the rest of our lives, marriage, disease, new life… so many, many instances. But, by all means, there is obviously a rite of passage when one who lives as one gender, begins to experience life in the other gender.

For me, it was finding acceptance and unconditional love from my family and friends… when the “pronouns” changed, and the world recognized me for the gender I had always felt myself to be.

Obviously the binary definition needs to be expanded… for truly, what is binary in today’s world? Nature is filled with an amalgam of diverse species and breeds. And there are so many labels we could assign, and so many walks of life throughout humankind… What is Male? What is Female? What if it’s both? What if it’s neither? And what is the norm? And then there’s the fact that everyone may have different opinions on what they feel is “normal”.

Normal. The definition of this is to “conform” to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural. So what is “normal”? That is quite the question. According to the definition, it can be fluid. Normal yesterday, may not be so normal today or vice versa, therefore the answer has evolved over time. The standard changes. (Just as the “church” and “organized religion” has changed to relate with the modern era, and perhaps interpreting its purpose and vision in today’s world based on ancient scriptures from history that is so vastly different than now). When you get down to the science and philosophy of it all, why limit ourselves into this thinking? Nothing on our planet is apparently “black or white”, it’s more than just two parts, just look at culture, and it’s diverse and always changing. There’s more to just the binary definition of gender.

What about tomorrow? So who’s to say or predict 100 years from now that it may be “normal” to choose your gender or perhaps define no gender at all? After all, in today’s technology, there exists the possibility of choosing the gender of your child; but what if we choose wrong? What if the child chooses to identify differently when he/she has grown? Is this morally correct in the natural order of things? (But that is another topic of discussion). But life and the world around us continue to move forward, and we should be free to decide how we live it… so long as it does not harm another or yourself.

So to get back to the question at hand… how would I define, “how I identified/identify with my gender”? Would that be now? Or when I was younger? I suppose to begin to answer this question I would start by stating that at a young age it was made clear to me that I was a boy. I would also have to state that my gender identity evolved for me over time. There was this inner conflict. And somewhere inside me, I felt maybe I should have been a girl; perhaps just a thought, but a thought that I carried the rest of my life. What defined me between my legs did not correspond with what I necessarily felt. But I was loved by my parents, given a good home and proper upbringing. And I adjusted… adjusted to the best I could to conform to what society, or how my parents taught me to believe. I suppose they didn’t know any better, and perhaps they were never educated in the idea that there may be a difference. Therefore they could only act with what they knew and what they thought was in my best interest and to what the world, at the time, would consider “normal”.

So growing up, there was a clear definition as to “what a boy was” and “what was a girl”. And oddly enough, my interpretation at a young age wasn’t necessarily about “what was between my legs”. Although what was there, gave the “social cue” as to how I was supposed to behave or to be. Boys were on one side… girls were on the other. But on the scale, I stood somewhere in the middle. I wasn’t completely clear, how could I be? I was a child.

But I knew how I felt. And on a deeper level, I suppose “I did know”, but just didn’t have the confidence to open up about it. So this made me a “shy boy”, or maybe an embarrassed little girl who couldn’t come out to play. But my underlying emotion was fear, fear of how those around me would respond to an altered reality. So I hid those thoughts of being someone other than what my “unmentionables” would have me be. I hadn’t considered that I might not be a boy, because it wasn’t necessarily an option; “I was born that way”. And thinking anything otherwise had not been introduced to me until I became much older, when I came to discover this on my own.

So as I continued living with the thought, I questioned… which “way” was I born then? Living with the notion of which gender am I, was not so clearly defined until someone told me. Identifying with a gender which was not assigned to me at birth was not/is not “socially acceptable” by the general public. Was it a mistake then? But how could my parents possibly know? They could not know until I could define it for them or when society would reveal it to them, and then the question is… can they understand? Would they accept another truth that is not the socially acceptable? Especially with their child, and how do I explain it?

I was fascinated by the feminine thought process, the female appearance. I clearly wanted to identify more like other girls… and when I saw pictures, and looked towards role models… I gravitated more to the female identity, but only in secret. My clandestine thoughts were that I might be a “Tom-boy”. I had many male influences. And I suppose for the most part I enjoyed my childhood as a boy, (or maybe I should say just my childhood, period. I mean what is gender, right?). There were male characters I wanted to try to be like… and not just girls. So clearly it wasn’t so definite, was it? But I am what I am, I know what I know. The bottom line is that there are girls who look up to boys and boys who look up to girls. Doesn’t mean it has to be so apparent. Just means there were qualities I wanted to try emulate, and maybe not so much the gender distinction.

So where did my influences come from? Besides my Mom and Dad, I had heroes like Hans Solo from Star Wars, Captain Kirk of Star Trek, Christopher Reeves as Superman, and Adam West as Batman (all pretty much “alpha males”, well maybe not Adam West in those tights)… but then there were other role models that I kept secret… Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman, Princess Leia of Star Wars, and maybe even Daisy Duke of the Dukes of Hazzard (all these women signified a kind of “girl-power”). And I also enjoyed television shows which had “fantasy elements”; shows such as “Bewitched” with Elizabeth Montgomery and “I Dream of Jeannie” with Barbara Eden. The fantasy world of these programs, and others like it, did not clearly characterize “Normal”, but rather tried to change the idea and allow the process to conform to today’s world. After all, Jeannie could turn a boy into a girl by a blink of the eye… and Samantha could wrinkle her nose and change the reality around you. My influences came from fantastic or tragic backgrounds, overcoming giant odds and all trying to fit into today’s world.

Even though I was what some would consider “a boy”. I was a conflicted little boy and a confused teenager searching for my identity. I don’t know where the thought began, but I became the cliché in feeling that I was, “trapped” in a gender that I did not feel truly fit me. I wanted to be a girl, but my body said I was a boy. So perhaps I have been in transition my whole life. It’s subjective I suppose. We are all born with a journey to take… mine was into discovering my real gender.

But what if that decision had been made for me at a young age? Let’s assume that my parents would have been educated and progressive enough to decide to allow me to become the gender I felt I was… that I am now. What would have been my childhood? And how would my life be vastly different? Maybe I could have been a girl my whole life and not just a girl that grew up like a boy, who now lives as a girl or more actually, a woman now. I was not allowed the experiences that a young girl would live through in her rites of passage into womanhood. No, that came much later for me, and I was an adult. So was I deprived of this experience?

Alas, my soul, regardless of my upbringing or circumstance was always female… it was the circumstances and time that I lived through that created my experience. My transition was a successful one today and maybe because of how I was raised. But perhaps my journey could have been an easier one. Although, either way, it may not have been easier… either way there was a journey to make. I suppose, all I could ask for is to be loved and accepted.

So the short answer to this question is: the binary definition would not fit my circumstance. I lived both male and female… and in the end lived both experiences… even though through it all, I have always felt that I identified in the opposite gender than that of my genetic birth.